I used to often laugh when my Pastor spoke about stingy men. He called them “AmaSkorokoro” in jest, advising us to run for our lives when we see snippets of scrooge-like tendencies. The premise was never focused on gold digging, but merely to teach us all how ladies should be treated and how crafty some men can be.
A lifetime ago some bloke tried “cute” things I considered paltry. I’d mention a residential area that I liked, he’d say he would want to RETIRE there, I’d talk about a career move and he’d brag about an offer he ONCE received. I bought myself two pairs of shoes- on sale- (one for an event and one for…. life) and he said the women he married would have no say in his finances.
I was deeply perplexed because this conversation was about my everyday life and preferences, yet he took it personally, as if I’d asked for his permission or help in ANY of these things.
Ebendibona mos ku Instagram? Endibona naku LinkedIN? (He saw my posts on LinkedIn and Instagram)
HELLO. HASHTAG. LEVELS!
“Friends, if you are in the standard grade class- stay and excel there. Leave HIGHER GRADE things to the boffins.”- Samkelwe Gqomo 2016
I didn’t want anything of his, I was just sharing. Also, he should’ve noticed my lifestyle and done the math. He was obviously looking for love in the wrong place.
Love is not based on someone’s beauty. Love is not about wearing the other person down. Love is not reducing someone’s standard. Love is not so selfish or limiting. Yes, love is not about money, but it is CERTAINLY not asking if the bread offered at a restaurant is FREE either.
You’re gonna be loved and
Have no reason not to love
Back how you’re loved good.
You’re gonna be loved and
Fall for yourself in how they
Love the love in you.
You’re gonna be loved and
Not want it harmed. Not even
You’re gonna be loved
Enough for you to prune
Away your thorns, break away
Your walls, calm away your storms,
Shave away your scorn and do away
With the pain that pierces today from
You’re gonna be loved and love won’t
Feel like an everyday war with God.
You’re gonna be won.
A heart priced by heaven for
Choosing itself to love and fill
Before any other.
A mind that loved its own peace
So much peace became its power.
The power and love you gave you
Became the love ten times you
Attracted for yourself to enjoy
As sheer proof that doing you
Was a better play, a great
Choice and the winning
You will be loved and true
Love can’t wait to know the best
Parts that rose from the worst in
You deserve it too. All because
You’re choosing you.
– Hakeem Anderson-Lesolang
There are so many blogs and articles on who you should marry, what you should look for in a guy/girl and basically the order and steps to follow in life with regards to marriage. (Have those 10-step articles ever worked for anybody? Just wondering)
I am at the age where engagements and talks of marriage are on a record high. People feel the need to direct me towards my “perfect fit.” I haven’t been told anything about my eggs yet (thank God) but I feel that kind of talk is steadily on its way.
I don’t feel any pressure though. I find it all ludicrous to think we all will follow the same suit, as if it’s a rite of passage of being a woman.
Anyway, this talk made me feel happy and brought me closer to myself. It put things in perspective and made me value myself even more than I already do. Not in a vain kind of way, but to promise myself certain things and not long for them from someone else.
I will have more honest conversations with myself in order for me not to be misled by wish lists, fantasies, emotions and fleeting feelings.
So just like Tracy McMillan, I am marrying myself. (for now LOL)
At this moment, I am grateful for the internet. Her life lessons have become mine, with much less experience and lesser pain. I don’t have to go through what she has, but I can draw from her life story and become a better person for myself and my person.
I urge you to keep that long list of “wants” in a partner at the back of your mind and write yourself a letter of how kinder you can be to yourself.
As I write my vows, to myself…
“How far have you walked for men
who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
How often have you bartered with bone,
only to sell yourself short?
Why do do you find the unavailable so alluring?
Where did it begin? What went wrong?
And who made you feel so worthless?
If they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
All this time you were begging for love silently, thinking
they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you.
You must have known they could taste the desperate on your skin.
And what about others that would do anything for you,
why did you make them love you
until they couldn’t stand it?
How are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
Where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
Where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”
People pick up on love and confidence. They watch it and dream of having it for themselves. I have come to terms with the fact that sometimes people compliment you on something, because they wish the good things they see in you, upon themselves. It isn’t a crime. Treat yourself right and you’ll be teaching others to do the same. I say, be the good kind of selfish.