This one is going to be different. I can promise you that. But I can also promise that you won’t ever be uninspired or bored – this is the girl who will change you, she won’t ever take your rubbish, and you’ll be a better man because of it.
She comes across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but seldomly out. When you’re so used to not needing anyone, you know exactly who you are, and she’ll never fake anything because of it. This makes maintaining relationships a constant struggle for her. She’ll connect with many, and they’ll quickly feel comfortable with her, but it takes her a while to feel fully comfortable, so she can only take being around others incrementally.
This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out – you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to.
She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love.
She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways.
She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armour. She is so used to taking care of herself that it’s going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent and happy on her own.
I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it.
She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself.
But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared – scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you.
Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.
I used to often laugh when my Pastor spoke about stingy men. He called them “AmaSkorokoro” in jest, advising us to run for our lives when we see snippets of scrooge-like tendencies. The premise was never focused on gold digging, but merely to teach us all how ladies should be treated and how crafty some men can be.
A lifetime ago some bloke tried “cute” things I considered paltry. I’d mention a residential area that I liked, he’d say he would want to RETIRE there, I’d talk about a career move and he’d brag about an offer he ONCE received. I bought myself two pairs of shoes- on sale- (one for an event and one for…. life) and he said the women he married would have no say in his finances.
I was deeply perplexed because this conversation was about my everyday life and preferences, yet he took it personally, as if I’d asked for his permission or help in ANY of these things.
Ebendibona mos ku Instagram? Endibona naku LinkedIN? (He saw my posts on LinkedIn and Instagram)
HELLO. HASHTAG. LEVELS!
“Friends, if you are in the standard grade class- stay and excel there. Leave HIGHER GRADE things to the boffins.”- Samkelwe Gqomo 2016
I didn’t want anything of his, I was just sharing. Also, he should’ve noticed my lifestyle and done the math. He was obviously looking for love in the wrong place.
Love is not based on someone’s beauty. Love is not about wearing the other person down. Love is not reducing someone’s standard. Love is not so selfish or limiting. Yes, love is not about money, but it is CERTAINLY not asking if the bread offered at a restaurant is FREE either.
Do you know that paradoxical feeling of being full and empty at the same time? Maybe not.
I just came back from a long, overdue trip home. The weekend seemed quick as lightening, a reflection of the speed of which this year has gone by.
I feel full in my spirit, because of:
Time is so valuable. People are so precious. I value every moment spent with those who route for me, support me and want nothing but the best for me. I draw strength from them.
My vernac expressions just prove how strong the longing was, how far the distance seemed, a kind of reawakening of what matters most!
I’m back in Cape Town feeling empty, because I miss it all again.
You’re gonna be loved and
Have no reason not to love
Back how you’re loved good.
You’re gonna be loved and
Fall for yourself in how they
Love the love in you.
You’re gonna be loved and
Not want it harmed. Not even
You’re gonna be loved
Enough for you to prune
Away your thorns, break away
Your walls, calm away your storms,
Shave away your scorn and do away
With the pain that pierces today from
You’re gonna be loved and love won’t
Feel like an everyday war with God.
You’re gonna be won.
A heart priced by heaven for
Choosing itself to love and fill
Before any other.
A mind that loved its own peace
So much peace became its power.
The power and love you gave you
Became the love ten times you
Attracted for yourself to enjoy
As sheer proof that doing you
Was a better play, a great
Choice and the winning
You will be loved and true
Love can’t wait to know the best
Parts that rose from the worst in
You deserve it too. All because
You’re choosing you.
– Hakeem Anderson-Lesolang
by: Andrea Wesley
When you meet a woman who’s been single long-term and embark on a relationship together, there are some big differences you’ll notice from your past loves. For her, the transition from being completely independent to having someone around is a huge adjustment. She’s a harder nut to crack, so to speak, but once you figure her out, you’ll soon realize how absolutely worth it she is.
1. She’s used to alone time. She’s completely embraced the act of being alone and as such, she’s used to completing many life tasks and making attendances to gatherings solo. Having someone to do things with will be foreign at first, and she might opt to continue certain projects alone or hole up in her apartment to binge watch her favorite Netflix shows when you wish she was spending time with you instead. She needs a gradual transition into coupledom, so try to be patient.
2. She has protective walls in place. She’s been hurt before, which is likely the reason she’s spent a lot of time on her own. She’s more in tune with what she wants and needs in a partner, so she makes her selections carefully and keeps certain entrance points to her heart protected until she knows she can completely trust that your intentions are good and pure.
3. She wants to be vulnerable, but it takes a little more time. If she’s dating you, it’s because she really likes you. She’s probably crazier about you than you think, she just doesn’t show it as easily because she wants to be completely sure before she lets herself truly fall for you. She takes her time getting to know you before she rushes in full speed ahead because what she’s looking for is a long-lasting bond and she won’t sacrifice all the work she’s done on herself to achieve it.
4. She’s incredibly strong. She’s the definition of Miss Independent. She’s learned to be completely comfortable handling all of life’s challenges solo and because of this, she’s fiercely strong in a way that may make you wonder if she even wants you around. She does, which is why she’s dating you in the first place. This is also why she makes a great girlfriend, because she wants to date you despite having her life handled on her own.
5. You’ll wonder if she really likes you. She might not say overly flirty things in the beginning because she’s still figuring out in her head if it’s safe to do so. She’s no stranger to being let down and disappointed in relationships, so she really just needs a chance to sort it out in her head before she feels safe enough to let you in on how she’s feeling. If you’re patient and show that you can be trusted, you’ll feel more cared about than ever before, because when she actually shows her cards, she lays them down with her whole heart.
6. She’s scared. She’ll be apprehensive and at times she might even push back in fear of losing control of herself, since her control is her security. Keeping her emotions in check is the only thing she knows, so when she starts to feel real feelings, it catches her off guard and can make her feel like she needs to retreat temporarily to regain control of herself. It’s not personal, and she’ll come back.
7. She’s not used to having help, but eventually she’ll embrace it. If you try to offer her help and she declines, it might make you feel useless in her life. It isn’t intentional, she’s just used to doing everything and anything she needs to with her own two hands. Soon enough, though, you’ll be opening all her pickle jars and helping her with the heavy loads of groceries she carries expertly in one trip.
8. She doesn’t need you, she chose you. Above anything else, despite being completely OK on her own and content with handling all of life’s responsibilities solo, she’s chosen to invest her time and take a chance with you. It’s the purest form of affection and desire you could ever hope for, because the girl that’s been single for a long time doesn’t necessarily need a man in her life, but she’s chosen you anyway. She’s spent the time getting to know what she wants, and if you’re the one she’s picked, then congratulations — she’s a definite keeper.
There are so many blogs and articles on who you should marry, what you should look for in a guy/girl and basically the order and steps to follow in life with regards to marriage. (Have those 10-step articles ever worked for anybody? Just wondering)
I am at the age where engagements and talks of marriage are on a record high. People feel the need to direct me towards my “perfect fit.” I haven’t been told anything about my eggs yet (thank God) but I feel that kind of talk is steadily on its way.
I don’t feel any pressure though. I find it all ludicrous to think we all will follow the same suit, as if it’s a rite of passage of being a woman.
Anyway, this talk made me feel happy and brought me closer to myself. It put things in perspective and made me value myself even more than I already do. Not in a vain kind of way, but to promise myself certain things and not long for them from someone else.
I will have more honest conversations with myself in order for me not to be misled by wish lists, fantasies, emotions and fleeting feelings.
So just like Tracy McMillan, I am marrying myself. (for now LOL)
At this moment, I am grateful for the internet. Her life lessons have become mine, with much less experience and lesser pain. I don’t have to go through what she has, but I can draw from her life story and become a better person for myself and my person.
I urge you to keep that long list of “wants” in a partner at the back of your mind and write yourself a letter of how kinder you can be to yourself.
As I write my vows, to myself…
I read the book Eat, Pray, Love and it changed my life for the best. I completely followed Liz’s advice in principle…. well until a certain point. Weaning off a bond that looked good on paper was one of the toughest things I had to go through.
The courage that it takes to leave the life that you have planned for the life predestined for you is insurmountable.
I don’t know what kind of budget Liz had to travel the world but I’m still trusting God for it. My journey wasn’t as physical as hers, but I certainly went on a hundred in terms of the spiritual plane.
At the time when I read the book, I believed it was God speaking to me. It was the only way that He could because I only picked up the bible on a Sunday.
Fast forward to a wonderful, budding relationship with Him, I realised I needed wise words that came directly from Him, from His heart and mind about being a single woman.
Through meditation, He gave me three steps in Proverbs 24:27
There is a divine order to be followed. Many of us tend to skip the first two steps and rearrange the order. We do this because of our own desires, to fill certain voids or to speed through and get stuff to prove that we are “successful.”
According to the list, the first step that I am meant to do is to help others that are outside of my confines. It’s easy to do favours for people you love, but God has commanded us to feed the poor, spread the gospel and show genuine love to people. This means I have to help out at NGO’s, care for the environment and community at large. This is what God expects from all His children, for us to serve.
Secondly, I need to prepare my fields and make sure that they are ready. See, I am not a farmer so this step must allude to savings plans, investing, starting a business, growing relationships and networks etc. as this is what fields mean metaphorically in the word. I need to start investigating trust funds, comparing insurances, evaluating property markets and essentially create good ground for the next and final stage.
“After that” are words purposefully used to show that a lot of work goes into building a home before being completely financially and emotionally ready.
God wants me to be co-dependant, independent and interdependent. As single (and sometimes desperate) ladies we rush for the husband, children and white picket fence ideal as if we will never get there. We base our whole lives on the third step.
Through this, I have learned that He wants me to have compassion for others first, he wants me to lack nothing so that I can sow back in His kingdom and he wants me to be happy and have the life I deserve. He wants that for all of us.
But first things must come first and I am taking on the challenge with the end goal in mind. Who knows, while I am serving, or doing business and following God’s divine order, I may meet the person who I am to build a home with.
This ticks all the boxes on God’s list and gives me hope that I too get a sweet end to the stick.
“Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in…
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take “no” for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding…
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left…
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colours.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give..
However, if there is one flaw in women,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.”
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one…lock it safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in the casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love at all is to be vulnerable.”