Ayikho into egqitha ikhaya lakho (There’s no place like home)

home-sweet-home

Do you know that paradoxical feeling of being full and empty at the same time? Maybe not.

I just came back from a long, overdue trip home. The weekend seemed quick as lightening,  a reflection of the speed of which this year has gone by.

I feel full in my spirit, because of:

  • The picturesque drives along the sea
  • Pop-ins at my former work and seeing my ex-colleagues (now friends)
  • My dad’s bear hugs
  • Mom’s chocolate breakfasts
  • Granny’s magwinyas
  • Ivumba le heater ye paraffin at their place
  • Brunches and lunches with my sister and besties
  • Kisses, hugs and prayers from my old church people
  • Love

Time is so valuable. People are so precious. I value every moment spent with those who route for me, support me and want nothing but the best for me. I draw strength from them.

My vernac expressions just prove how strong the longing was, how far the distance seemed, a kind of reawakening of what matters most!

I’m back  in Cape Town feeling empty, because I miss it all again.

Sick of my dreams

I threw up everywhere. All over the floor, all over my bed. I was gasping for air and feeling completely overwhelmed. I’m sure I was having some sort of psychosomatic disorder, all brought on by my dreams.

Yes my dreams. They were not nightmares at all. They were too many, a plethora of active dreams keeping me awake, giving me night sweats and the worst kind of anxiety.

I’ve been feeling bereaved and lost for the longest time.

What on earth am I here for? Seriously, why do I wake up every single day? What difference am I making, what goal am I conquering, what view am I shaping?

Life cannot be about paying bills.

girl staring in fire

The pressure is insurmountable. The burden of having to tick my bucket list items is going to make me burst. Actually, I am bubbling right now.

Of course my family doesn’t understand. They keep telling me to wait it out, to see if something comes up, they want me to wait for tomorrow. The very same tomorrow that may never come. That tomorrow that is not promised. So I must wait for uncertainty, instead of paving my own life, dreams and meeting opportunity as I go along. They mean well, I know that. But I can’t wait. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t- anything.

I am plagued by the vastness of my dreams. My mind is everywhere. Then there is this security lie that I am at war with. These man-made boundaries and industries making one feel enclosed and sheltered. They’re just money-making psychological structures. Ploys to keep you at bay. Not even the security I pay for, completely covers me. Why then are there terms and conditions?

Let me pray.

“BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD! I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU”

Ahhhh, and then I hear a clear, recognizable and soothing voice in my spirit! Peace. Thank you for visiting me. I have missed you.

I slept well for the first time in a long time. I slept knowing I can do it all if I just pace myself.

I woke up and quit my job.

I am marrying myself!

There are so many blogs and articles on who you should marry, what you should look for in a guy/girl and basically the order and steps to follow in life with regards to marriage. (Have those 10-step articles ever worked for anybody? Just wondering)

I am at the age where engagements and talks of marriage are on a record high. People feel the need to direct me towards my “perfect fit.” I haven’t been told anything about my eggs yet (thank God) but I feel that kind of talk is steadily on its way.

I don’t feel any pressure though. I find it all ludicrous to think we all will follow the same suit, as if it’s a rite of passage of being a woman.

Anyway, this talk made me feel happy and brought me closer to myself. It put things in perspective and made me value myself even more than I already do. Not in a vain kind of way, but to promise myself certain things and not long for them from someone else.

I will have more honest conversations with myself in order for me not to be misled by wish lists, fantasies, emotions and fleeting feelings.

So just like Tracy McMillan, I am marrying myself. (for now LOL)

At this moment, I am grateful for the internet. Her life lessons have become mine, with much less experience and lesser pain. I don’t have to go through what she has, but I can draw from her life story and become a better person for myself and my person.

I urge you to keep that long list of “wants” in a partner at the back of your mind and write yourself a letter of how kinder you can be to yourself.

As I write my vows, to myself…