Sick of my dreams

I threw up everywhere. All over the floor, all over my bed. I was gasping for air and feeling completely overwhelmed. I’m sure I was having some sort of psychosomatic disorder, all brought on by my dreams.

Yes my dreams. They were not nightmares at all. They were too many, a plethora of active dreams keeping me awake, giving me night sweats and the worst kind of anxiety.

I’ve been feeling bereaved and lost for the longest time.

What on earth am I here for? Seriously, why do I wake up every single day? What difference am I making, what goal am I conquering, what view am I shaping?

Life cannot be about paying bills.

girl staring in fire

The pressure is insurmountable. The burden of having to tick my bucket list items is going to make me burst. Actually, I am bubbling right now.

Of course my family doesn’t understand. They keep telling me to wait it out, to see if something comes up, they want me to wait for tomorrow. The very same tomorrow that may never come. That tomorrow that is not promised. So I must wait for uncertainty, instead of paving my own life, dreams and meeting opportunity as I go along. They mean well, I know that. But I can’t wait. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t- anything.

I am plagued by the vastness of my dreams. My mind is everywhere. Then there is this security lie that I am at war with. These man-made boundaries and industries making one feel enclosed and sheltered. They’re just money-making psychological structures. Ploys to keep you at bay. Not even the security I pay for, completely covers me. Why then are there terms and conditions?

Let me pray.

“BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD! I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU”

Ahhhh, and then I hear a clear, recognizable and soothing voice in my spirit! Peace. Thank you for visiting me. I have missed you.

I slept well for the first time in a long time. I slept knowing I can do it all if I just pace myself.

I woke up and quit my job.

I need to be alone

I don’t want to EVER miss being single.

I don’t want to have a bucket list that has to be compromised and incomplete.

I don’t want to feel regretful of my chosen partner.

I don’t want to run away or avoid him

I want to be ready, eager and willing to sacrifice, to compromise and be selfless.

I want to be free.

I was given an arrival date. I came on earth alone to fulfill my purpose.

I need to awaken things on my own. I need to know me completely.

How do I do that if I’m always reacting and rationalizing things according to this being who is always around me?

I need to be alone, to hear God speak.

I need to be a whole being before someone takes a little bit of me.

There is no such thing as “he completes me.”

I need to be strong and work through my strengths and weaknesses

I need to be scared to know courage.

I need to feel beautiful intrinsically.

I need to fully rely on my capabilities.

I know I have been made fearfully and wonderfully.

I know he’s out there waiting, wishing, dreaming and praying for me.

But right now I need to be alone, and do ME.