Sick of my dreams

I threw up everywhere. All over the floor, all over my bed. I was gasping for air and feeling completely overwhelmed. I’m sure I was having some sort of psychosomatic disorder, all brought on by my dreams.

Yes my dreams. They were not nightmares at all. They were too many, a plethora of active dreams keeping me awake, giving me night sweats and the worst kind of anxiety.

I’ve been feeling bereaved and lost for the longest time.

What on earth am I here for? Seriously, why do I wake up every single day? What difference am I making, what goal am I conquering, what view am I shaping?

Life cannot be about paying bills.

girl staring in fire

The pressure is insurmountable. The burden of having to tick my bucket list items is going to make me burst. Actually, I am bubbling right now.

Of course my family doesn’t understand. They keep telling me to wait it out, to see if something comes up, they want me to wait for tomorrow. The very same tomorrow that may never come. That tomorrow that is not promised. So I must wait for uncertainty, instead of paving my own life, dreams and meeting opportunity as I go along. They mean well, I know that. But I can’t wait. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t- anything.

I am plagued by the vastness of my dreams. My mind is everywhere. Then there is this security lie that I am at war with. These man-made boundaries and industries making one feel enclosed and sheltered. They’re just money-making psychological structures. Ploys to keep you at bay. Not even the security I pay for, completely covers me. Why then are there terms and conditions?

Let me pray.

“BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD! I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU”

Ahhhh, and then I hear a clear, recognizable and soothing voice in my spirit! Peace. Thank you for visiting me. I have missed you.

I slept well for the first time in a long time. I slept knowing I can do it all if I just pace myself.

I woke up and quit my job.

The 11th hour- God is never late

God goes before us every step of the way. Half of the time we spend doubting and being anxious is all for nothing because everything always works out in the end.

God is never late.

We always want to rush to the end and completely forget about the journey that leads us there. Imagine a book that reads.. “Once upon a time, the end.” How well would this book sell? How interesting is a life built of short sentences with no plots, storylines or anticlimaxes? How would you encourage others who will follow your footsteps or look up to you if everything seemed perfect? You would be empty. No substance therefore no influence.

I experienced this lesson, at the end of 2014, after a year of unhappiness and turmoil. In my mind things should have been a lot different because I have always done things right, asking very little of anyone and achieved everything in record time.

See, I am pedantic by nature. I love knowing things in advance and planning accordingly. I do this when shopping. I plan where I will park. I map out the mall in my head. I expect things to run smoothly especially because my plan B has a plan B.

I WILL spam your inbox and call register, just to make sure we’re still on track with plans. It works well for my career but not so much for relationships and life in general.

To be honest it’s tedious, but it’s ME.

After my big life plan bombed out on me, I was left in the same place as the previous year. I was very despondent to everything. I dragged my feet, I woke up late, I had resigned from things internally for a while.

If it wasn’t for people around me who often reaffirmed things that I had in my heart, told me about my potential and seeking God truly, I wouldn’t be where I am right now.

My life took a big turn of events after months of trying and it was like a surge of energy rushed through my body and reawakened me. Everything that was of the best happened in 2 weeks. I knew God had everything to do with it, because all my pre-planning would have had loop holes and missing links.

But I had hope. I prayed fervently and continuously. I spoke and invited great things and most importantly, I believed.

Ephesians 3: 20 says “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask, think or imagine, according to the power that works within us be all glory.”

This morning, I said, I was in love with my life again and I have God to thank.

To me it seemed like He came through for me on the 11th hour, but to Him it was just on time. His plan made more sense and was less strenuous.

Trust the process, He is the author of time and master strategist. I am expectant of more and excited to accelerate!

You HAVE to believe

You HAVE to believe

In a cause, in yourself, in faith, in others, in most things. This is the seed of which all your hopes flourish and grow. This is step 1, an ordinance, of having ALL your desires come to pass. Believe