The day I start my magazine…

Researching the magazine and media landscape made me realize that investors and advertising are the lifeline of it – as with any business venture. As much as that may be a challenge to overcome, it still won’t hinder me from creating and publishing my own. Every great plan or dream comes with a plethora of tests, but beginning with the goal in mind pushes one to reach the finish line.

“You are your deepest desire. As is your desire so is your intention. As is your intention so is your will. As is your will so is your deed”.

Watching the below video  reminded me of the value and substance I want to continuously celebrate and record one day.  My desire is for women to feel fearless, beautiful and needed after going through the pages. I want them to eagerly anticipate the next issue, have their boundaries pushed and  paradigms shifted.  I’d like many others to contribute just to show how everything is possible and permissible. I want my magazine to be a community effort, soulful relief and source of quality information.

I’m just putting it out there. The Lord knows the desires of my heart.  Can’t wait until it happens.

#Womandla

He’s a cheap date!

I used to often laugh when my Pastor spoke about stingy men. He called them “AmaSkorokoro” in jest, advising us to run for our lives when we see snippets of scrooge-like tendencies. The premise was never focused on gold digging, but merely to teach us all how ladies should be treated and how crafty some men can be.

A lifetime ago some bloke tried “cute” things I considered paltry. I’d mention a residential area that I liked, he’d say he would want to RETIRE there, I’d talk about a career move and he’d brag about an offer he ONCE received. I bought myself two pairs of shoes- on sale- (one for an event and one for…. life) and he said the women he married would have no say in his finances.

I was deeply perplexed because this conversation was about my everyday life and preferences, yet he took it personally, as if I’d asked for his permission or help in ANY of these things.

Ebendibona mos ku Instagram? Endibona naku LinkedIN? (He saw my posts on LinkedIn and Instagram)

HELLO. HASHTAG. LEVELS!

“Friends, if you are in the standard grade class- stay and excel there. Leave HIGHER GRADE things to the boffins.”- Samkelwe Gqomo 2016

I didn’t want anything of his, I was just sharing. Also, he should’ve noticed my lifestyle and done the math. He was obviously looking for love in the wrong place.

Love is not based on someone’s beauty. Love is not about wearing the other person down. Love is not reducing someone’s standard. Love is not so selfish or limiting. Yes, love is not about money,  but it is CERTAINLY not asking if the bread offered at a restaurant is FREE either.

Boy BYE!

cheap-man

Ayikho into egqitha ikhaya lakho (There’s no place like home)

home-sweet-home

Do you know that paradoxical feeling of being full and empty at the same time? Maybe not.

I just came back from a long, overdue trip home. The weekend seemed quick as lightening,  a reflection of the speed of which this year has gone by.

I feel full in my spirit, because of:

  • The picturesque drives along the sea
  • Pop-ins at my former work and seeing my ex-colleagues (now friends)
  • My dad’s bear hugs
  • Mom’s chocolate breakfasts
  • Granny’s magwinyas
  • Ivumba le heater ye paraffin at their place
  • Brunches and lunches with my sister and besties
  • Kisses, hugs and prayers from my old church people
  • Love

Time is so valuable. People are so precious. I value every moment spent with those who route for me, support me and want nothing but the best for me. I draw strength from them.

My vernac expressions just prove how strong the longing was, how far the distance seemed, a kind of reawakening of what matters most!

I’m back  in Cape Town feeling empty, because I miss it all again.

You’re gonna be loved

You’re gonna be loved and
Have no reason not to love
Back how you’re loved good.

You’re gonna be loved and
Fall for yourself in how they
Love the love in you.

You’re gonna be loved and
Not want it harmed. Not even
By you.

You’re gonna be loved
Enough for you to prune
Away your thorns, break away
Your walls, calm away your storms,
Shave away your scorn and do away
With the pain that pierces today from
Your past.

You’re gonna be loved and love won’t
Feel like an everyday war with God.

You’re gonna be won.

A heart priced by heaven for
Choosing itself to love and fill
Before any other.

A mind that loved its own peace
So much peace became its power.

The power and love you gave you
Became the love ten times you
Attracted for yourself to enjoy
As sheer proof that doing you
Was a better play, a great
Choice and the winning
Move.

You will be loved and true
Love can’t wait to know the best
Parts that rose from the worst in
You.

You deserve it too. All because
You’re choosing you.

– Hakeem Anderson-Lesolang

There is no difference between life and a beauty pageant

I sometimes consider life to be like a pageant. Pretentious, competitive and an arduous battle.

People tend to go out of their way to impress the judges; to win the coveted crown and title.  Some turn to sabotaging their opposition and engage in immoral activities all to prove their worthiness. The irony of it all is that those competing are completely different yet so badly want the same thing.

Some contestants are insecure and you watch them mimicking others’ behaviour. The overly confident ones are like that because they are compensating for their insecurities.

Life is suddenly a complete juxtaposition of seeking ephemeral reward versus gaining eternal fulfilment.

The thing about pageants is that the judges seek a match for certain criteria and they will continuously tell you what you’re doing wrong instead of celebrating your strengths and affirming what you are doing right.

The saddest part is that we wilfully participate in these competitions because we want to stand out, because we are told that we belong to a certain mould or because we do not want to be rejected by society.

The danger about seeking approval from society is that you will never win. Being a loser goes against God’s word of saying you are victorious and more than a conqueror. How do you dominate and become fruitful with a defeated mentality?

The meaning of life is to give life meaning. When God asks you to go, you cannot be waiting for anyone else’s approval before you act.  God will use you as He created you, remembering the fact that you are made in His perfect image. God will give you experiences (bearable others not) that will shape you, humble you and make you complete.

God has handpicked you.  He has made you the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. He has bestowed upon you a crown of splendour that no pageant title can ever award.

Relish in that, because you already are a royal priesthood and a chosen generation!

pageant

Sick of my dreams

I threw up everywhere. All over the floor, all over my bed. I was gasping for air and feeling completely overwhelmed. I’m sure I was having some sort of psychosomatic disorder, all brought on by my dreams.

Yes my dreams. They were not nightmares at all. They were too many, a plethora of active dreams keeping me awake, giving me night sweats and the worst kind of anxiety.

I’ve been feeling bereaved and lost for the longest time.

What on earth am I here for? Seriously, why do I wake up every single day? What difference am I making, what goal am I conquering, what view am I shaping?

Life cannot be about paying bills.

girl staring in fire

The pressure is insurmountable. The burden of having to tick my bucket list items is going to make me burst. Actually, I am bubbling right now.

Of course my family doesn’t understand. They keep telling me to wait it out, to see if something comes up, they want me to wait for tomorrow. The very same tomorrow that may never come. That tomorrow that is not promised. So I must wait for uncertainty, instead of paving my own life, dreams and meeting opportunity as I go along. They mean well, I know that. But I can’t wait. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t- anything.

I am plagued by the vastness of my dreams. My mind is everywhere. Then there is this security lie that I am at war with. These man-made boundaries and industries making one feel enclosed and sheltered. They’re just money-making psychological structures. Ploys to keep you at bay. Not even the security I pay for, completely covers me. Why then are there terms and conditions?

Let me pray.

“BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD! I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU”

Ahhhh, and then I hear a clear, recognizable and soothing voice in my spirit! Peace. Thank you for visiting me. I have missed you.

I slept well for the first time in a long time. I slept knowing I can do it all if I just pace myself.

I woke up and quit my job.