Heavy Laden

I haven’t been here in what seems like a while. I’m not quiet because I have writers block or anything. I’m not trying to be irrelevant either, its just that at times, I don’t want to think. I don’t want to feel or express. I just want to be numb and neutral.

I often refer to this state of being as being moodless.
It’s not a good feeling, it’s actually a sign of weakness, WEAKNESS in my spirit.
I want to be mad at someone or something. I want to pull my bought hair out. I think I am angry.
Angry at God.

There is violence in my head. The sadistic part of me finds comfort in this.
I can’t deal with the bad dreams, the tears on my pillow, the disapointment in my plastered up heart.

I will pray. Pray for peace. Peace from within.

This is not of God. But one thing I will be, is honest.
I will visit here again. I will say something. I might just change your life.

2 thoughts on “Heavy Laden

  1. We all feel this way sometimes. Just went through something similar, a season when I was feeling ‘jaded’, I found that constantly pouring out my heart to God about everything going on and generally taking it (Him at His word) one day at a time – helped a lot.

    We eagerly await your ‘visit’ & what you have to say, ‘ cause even when all you share are your 😦 moments, you identify with and inspire us.
    I pray with you for strength, faith, hope and truckloads of love!


    1. Hi Lily,

      This response was received well. It warms my heart to know that the way I feel is nothing foreign to others. I have an open letter coming soon. Love the word “Jaded” and thank you for the prayers. Much Appreciated. Enjoy your day further and may the good Lord bless you.



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